NO TO AWAY MATCHES

SAY NO TO AWAY MATCHES

When Dead Beat Kenya page did its rounds on facebook, I never gave it a damn. I knew come what may, my name could not appear there. I have never been a father or sired someone unknowingly. Surely, I got nothing to do with it. To make matters worse or better depending on which side you are in, I am neither rich or from a well to do family. So I gave it a wide snub it deserved.

In a well arranged room with chairs all rounds. The room is well lit with neon emitting bulbs on the ceiling. Revelers are galloping their pints away in a relaxed manner. I am seated among them although I am drinking my soft drink as I await a match pitting my club Chelsea against Aston Villa to commence. I am a teetotaler and thus I am allergic to hard drinks.

The room is filled with noise as the players emerge from the tunnel. Haters are supporting our opponent in the hope that we get defeated. I am as calm as usual. I have watched too many matches to panic. I consider myself a veteran in this field. On the 82 inch television set the match kicks off. The match is barely in its tenth minute when the unexpected happens.

The story follows this script. This girl approaches where we are seated with friends in calculated steps. She is made of curves and what have you. She must have been created on Friday. She is an epitome of beauty I tell you. We are instantly distracted from the match as we appreciate what mama gave this beauty. I wish her away almost immediately as I go back to watch the match. She comes straight to me and this gets my attention once again. I am confused as I have never seen her before. My heart starts to beat as I hope for the best while expecting the worst.

All eyes are on me now. Some revelers have started whistling perhaps cheering me on to open up. I am still dumb founded as this damsel drops the bombshell. “You can run the while but you can never escape your responsibility,” she says in a raised voice. Everybody is caught by surprise. They know me as a guy who does not play away matches. What was this girl saying or is it a case of mistaken identity? All seem to enjoy our free spectacle.

I feel like the earth should open up and swallow me whole. She goes on, “you escaped the Facebook shaming but this one you will not dodge.” I still do not know what to say. Everyone seems to enjoy this rare spectacle than the football match which is still going on. “Why play the fool, come on and talk?” she prods me. “Be active as you were when you were spraying your bullets,” she adds while pointing at her tummy. From the look of it, she seems to be between five and six months. I try to take stock of my escapades during the period to see if she features anywhere. Nothing close to her image appears on my mind. I am always a one man guitar and neither do I go on binge drinking nor overnight parties and so I cannot fathom how this could have happened.

I did not want to waste more time as my silence could be used against me. It could mean I am responsible but just trying to escape from my seed. I muttered some incoherent words of this nature, “Madam, with all due respect go and find another sponsor for your child. I got no money to feed the both of you.” This drew laughter from the room. This was like an antidote that I craved. I regained my senses. I was now at ease with myself.

Her parting shot was hard to swallow as it was funny. “Tukutane kwa mtandao kama huwezi kubali mbegu yako,” (Let us meet on the internet if you do not want to accept your seed) she said as she made for the exit. For a while I was thrown off balance. I have heard eye witnesses talking of ‘ni kama ndrama, ni kama video’ but I never thought I would be a witness to such. What I went through could only be possible in a movie. The experience left me empty such that I did not even celebrate my club’s triumph.

I later learnt that this was a hoax by my friend to make me take back my words. I have always been this total man who could not be moved by any drama involving earthly desires. I told him that I am ‘unbwogable’ as I know I am a one team man. So he vowed to teach me a lesson. If this is what Dead Beat fathers go through then I would advice any man who is able to sire to play away matches with new boots and shin pads lest they get injuries!