VERAGATE SAGA

ACCESS GRANTED

While I was on a sabbatical, I heard that Vera Sidika gained access to State House’s private Lounge. I felt envious of her at first. How could she be that lucky to achieve such a feat? How did she manage this before me? On a second thought, I got down to work to gather intelligence on how she made the impossible possible.

The first thought that came to mind was Photoshop but I could not allow a solution to this nightmare be such simple so I marched on. And then I remembered that Uhunye is a self-proclaimed digital president and so it was near impossible to beat him in matters technology.

It did not take me long to ululate ‘Eureka! Eureka!’ I had unmasked what would take the famous Scotland Yard a year to unravel. This matter was gigantic and so it merited a thinking process proportionate to its magnitude. My evidence was watertight for lack of a better vocabulary.

I have known Vera for a long time stretching back to our days at Kenyatta University but of late I have felt like I have a kaleidoscope of knowledge on her. FBI and CIA would have gone to her bank account statements and her phone log to have something on her, but I just concentrated on her anatomy as my instinct suggested.

I made a comparative study of her body with mine and made my body as the control experiment. I wanted to identify what she had that I lacked and alienate them for use as the foundation of my theory. 

After collecting the data and coming up with a data set, I made some conclusions which I would like to report through this article.

For you to gain access to the presidential private lounge, first you have to remove tint as directed by the Inspector General. If you have tint you will be treated with suspicion and eventually denied entry. The last time I got hold of a mirror, the feedback was “you are overly tinted.”

Second. You have to possess a bright future behind you. I looked at mine and realized that they are just for biological function, nothing less or more. Vera happens to have a world heritage behind her.

The final reason is that you have to come in with a twin luggage. Vera has twins which are fraternal. One is slightly bigger than the other and they happen to be from different mothers! They also pop out to avoid confusion and misunderstanding. I severely lack in that department so she beats me hands down.

So my recommendation goes, check if you possess the aforementioned rare qualities before trying to gain access to Uhunye’s Thing’ira to avoid small embarrassments.